Employee refuses to contribute $20 for colleague's birthday in other department, gets ostracized by coworkers: 'It's just $20'

Author image for Ally Perry
Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Jan 7, 2026 9:00 AM EST

There is a difference between being a good colleague and allowing a shakedown. 

In some workplaces, the fine line between normal and unreasonable expectations of coworker generosity is frequently trampled on. It is all well and good to expect somebody to demonstrate being a good team player, but it is not always fair to demand a significant amount of time, effort, or money without some form of payback to be had. The ideal culture of the workplace should be something that feels beneficial for everybody who is involved.

The issue with these overenthusiastic expectations for coworkers to contribute to various nonessential work matters is that not everybody is going to be on the same page about them, or want to be a part of it. This is not always a terrible thing, but it can leave those who opt out feeling like they are facing consequences for acting on their opinions. The reality is that for many of those in the working world, being competent at your job is not enough to make you a good colleague. You have to be a part of what happens outside of it, too, even if that appears to be unnecessary or unfair.

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  • a pale blue envelope with coins and a pen on top of it and dollar bills under it sat on a desk next to a computer keyboard
    via Katie Harp

  • It is a common part of office etiquette to ask people to make a financial contribution when their colleagues celebrate things like birthdays, retirements, or other big life milestones. However, there is often a limit to the generosity that is on offer—especially when somebody is being asked to contribute for a coworker they don't know all that well.

    This was the dilemma that one man found himself in, after a colleague came to him asking him to give her $20 to put towards the celebration of another coworker's birthday. He decided to decline this demand, as the woman worked in another department and he didn't know her very well.

    Although he had previously given money for the birthdays of others, some of those who worked with him took offense at the fact that he had not chipped in this time. He was left wondering if he had made a mistake with his stance.

  • Am I wrong for refusing to chip in for a coworker’s birthday gift when I barely know them?

    Throwaway Account, I'm 30M and i work in a mid-sized office, about 30-ish people total. Last week an Susan 48F went around the office saying we were all chipping in for a birthday gift for a coworker( Jenna 38F or 37F not sure) Anyways She works in a different department than me, and while I recognize her face we've maybe exchanged a few hellos in the hallway. We don't work together and have never talked outside of that.
    via Business-Media-2483
  • Susan (the organizer) suggested everyone pitch in $20 for a gift card and a cake.. I didn't respond at first. Later that day, the Susan stopped by my desk and asked if I was in. I said I was going to pass, since I don't really know Jenna and don't usually participate in office gift collections unless it's someone I work closely with.
    via Business-Media-2483
  • a woman in smart casual clothing places a gift and a card in a gift bag that is sat on a desk
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • She looked surprised and said, "It's just $20" 1 told her I get that.. but it feels weird to me to pay for gifts for people I don't have a relationship with. She kind of brushed it off and said okay, but after that things felt awkward.
    via Business-Media-2483
  • Since then, a couple coworkers have been noticeably colder toward me, one even joked that I'm “that guy" (meaning who doesn't put $20 in), anyways I'm starting to wonder if I broke some unspoken office rule and came off as cheap or antisocial.
    via Business-Media-2483
  • I don't mind celebrating people I actually work with, but I also don't think gift giving should be mandatory, especially for someone I barely know. AITA for saying no?
    via Business-Media-2483
  • close up of a woman wearing lipstick smiling as she slings multiple shopping bags over her shoulder
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • Nester1953 30ish x $20 would be $600. That would be quite the gift card and cake. Susan must be quite the party planner and quite the office gossip. Feel free to be that guy -- the one who can do simple math and doesn't contribute toward office celebrations for people in other departments whom he doesn't actually know. The one who isn't intimidated by Susan, who never ever should have told anyone else whether or not you contributed. (But don't eat any of that gold-plated cake.) NTA
    via Nester1953
  • OP Business-Media-2483 Yep. I actually wanted to bring that point because 600$ seemed insane for me but Susan plays this along the lines of a "cake" for the office (to be fair she buys 2 cakes), ether ways most of the money goes on stupid expensive gifts she picks. My fear though is that when its gonna be my birthday she will not do it, and that would be a big D move since i already put money for other co-workers birthdays.
    via Business-Media-2483
  • Motor-Winter5581 NTA. It's just $20 until you multiply it times all the people in the office you will asked to chip in for. That adds up really quickly.
    via Motor-Winter5581
  • OP Business-Media-2483 I already put 60$ for others, and i didnt say this but when she started organizing these birthdays she asked for 10$ and that was super fine even though i'm new in the office, but this time she asked for 20$..
    via Business-Media-2483
  • Zero_Patience 1771 NTA I hate those. It is not fair and nor is it reasonable. 30 people and $20 is a lot of money not to mention that makes for 2-3 birthdays a month which is ridiculous are you supposed to pitch in for each one and what happens if someone is missed? I worked in an office that provided monthly lunches and cupcakes for the birthdays that month, no cost to employees just a quick monthly celebration.
    via Zero_Patience1771
  • OP Business-Media-2483 Totally agree, this started 2 months ago and it started at 10$, we did it for 6 people and it was simple nice break and imo a well off gift for around 200$ (cakes were 100$), This time Susan increased it to 20$ and I was just done, bbut if I'm being honest its not just about the money, i just dont know Jenna and this felt off
    via Business-Media-2483
  • Stunning Patience_78 INFO: Does they do this for everyone? Have they done it for you?
    via Stunning_Patience_78
  • OP Business-Media-2483 My birthday is next month so l have no clue what will happen, this is why am even posting because I feel like I broke the "gifting" rules so they may not even do anything for me.. Susan did it for 6 other people but she asked for $10 back then and they got 2 cakes and some candles and she bought the gifts personally (Dyson hairdryer, an Airfryer etc)
    via Business-Media-2483
  • NoDevice8072 If it's done for every employee which means it'll be done for you as well than yes you're the asshole When it's your birthday just tell everyone not to worry about you because you won't be giving towards anyone else's Problem solved? Just don't cry about feeling left out in your next post
    via NoDevice8072
  • OP Business-Media-2483 I dont expect Jenna someone whome i dont know to put money for me on my birthday, but if its gonna be a thing (as it is now) then I dont wanna be excluded. if people feel that they don't know me enough to put money thats totally fair, ether ways i dont want a 500$ gift picked by Susan , cakes and maybe a 50-100$ gift card would make my day. also in general i dont expect and dont want people to put 20$ each , 5$ is more than enough for 2 cakes and a gift card, but i dont ma
    via Business-Media-2483
  • hallerz87 NTA. $20 is nuts. That's $600 with 30 people, WTF are they planning on buying? My office would just pass around an envelope with a card in it. We'd sign it, drop a couple of quid in it, and it would would buy some flowers and a box of chocolates.
    via hallerz87
  • julesk I'd mention to you coworkers that 600 for cake and gifts seems like a lot for a coworkers birthday and if that's the case for all of you then you'd be paying $600 personally a year. So you'd rather just do a card and chip in for a lunch out.
    via julesk
  • Flying FlipPhone If everyone kicks in $600 per year for gifts, then everyone should also receive a gift card for $600 every year. Of course, this process is annoying and wasteful. Everyone should just keep their money and the office (petty cash) can purchase one cake per month for everyone's birthday (during that month). If the office doesn't want to buy 12 cakes, then just send an email birthday card.
    via FlyingFlipPhone
  • NTA. Separate-Parfait6426 $20x30=$600. Sounds like Susan is saving a lot of that money for herself. Ask them what about Jenna makes her worth a $600 gift.
    via Separate-Parfait6426

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employee drama birthday work coworkers money entitled people
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